petek, 29. januar 2016

Day 80: Bad mood or depression 6

In blog 76 I wrote:

When and as I see myself that I do exam/school because my parents be happy and proud on me, I stop and breath. I realize that I study because of me not because of my parents. Each parent want that be their child be good in school and find job. I commit myself that I study because I need this, not because made my parents happy.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must be good in school if I want my parents like me and be proud on me. When and as I see myself to believing that I must be good in school if I want my parents like me and be proud on me, I stop and breath. I realize that firstly I must be proud on myself if I want to other see me or like me, because people see how I like myself and if they see, that I hate myself, they don't want see or listening me, not other people not my parents. I commit myself that I believe in myself and be proud on myself whatever I do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I'm not good enough and I can't finish any school and can't find job or find customers. When and as I see myself to thinking that I'm not good enough and I can't finish any school and can't find a job or find customers, I stop and breath. I realize that I finish two (primary and secondary) schools and I learn all my life, not really in school, but at home, whatever I want and interested for. All learning is learning if you have paper or not. Maybe you know more if you learn alone, at home, because you want to learn, not need to know. For find job or customers I only need to say myself, I do this and made what I need to do. I commit myself that I know, that I learn all my life in school or out of school and if I need something I must to decide to do and done that.


petek, 15. januar 2016

Day 79: Bad mood or depression 5

In blog Day 76 I wrote:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that 8 years of study is too much. When and as I see myself to think that 8 years of study is too much, I stop and breath. I realize that people learn all life and few years in the same school is no such problem. All is in my mind and when I want finish any school I go there and I finish, but now I don't prepare for finish it. I can't finish this school, but I can done some similar school. I commit myself that I finish some school.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can study in one school less that 6 years and then I start to boring myself. When and as I see myself to believe that I can study on one school less than 6 years and then I start boring myself, I stop and breath. I realize that If you study one, four or ten years in the same school is the same, each exam is different and for each I must learn. In one school I going almost 30 years and don't see final exam. This school is life. We all learn all the life, each day. So being in the same school more that 6 years is not so big deal. I commit myself that I believe that study is all life, not only when you go to the school or you have home schooling.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I change my interests so fast in seven years, because that I don't finish my university. When and as I see myself to think that I change my interests so fast in seven years, because that I don't finish my university, I stop and breath. I realize that I know a lot, because my parents want to know all in our farm, because all sometimes need to know. So I learn at home fast and each day something new. In school all go so slow and in the end we have exam and I must learning for it. But learning is to boring for me, because I don't want do this. In the end I don't change interests fast, but I want more. I commit myself that I know that you must learn if you want something to know, but learn is sometimes in school in easy way or in real life in hard way and better is learning in easy way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I must be good in school for my parents because they be proud on me. When and as I see myself thinking/believing/perceiving that I must be good in school for my parents because they be proud on me, I stop and breath. I realizing that all the life I learn and want to be good in school because I want that my parents see how smart I am and they hug me and tell me this. In second grade primary school because I'm not excellent (A) but very good (B), they show me, that I'm not good enough, so I tried all this years to demonstrate that I'm good enough and they can be proud on me. I commit myself that I lean for myself not because I want to demonstrate other how good I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I'm not good enough because I don't finish school. When and as I see myself to believe that I'm not good enough because I don't finish school, I stop and breath. I realize that I want finish because other people want that I finish and be the best and find a good yob and so on, but in real I don't want this. Because I'm not good enough I blame myself and go in bad mood or depression and each day is worst and worst and I don't see point of living and I want to die. When I thinking what I can change in my life I see something good in my life, but in real I only want that my parents see that I'm not stupid and I can do, but in the same time I'm tired to show my parents what I can, but in real I don't want that. I commit myself that I see what I want and do this and be the best because myself not because I must show other people how good I am.

petek, 08. januar 2016

Day 78: Bad mood or depression 4

In blog Day 76 I wrote:

When and as I see myself to think that I don't have life and I'm tired because I care in my grandma and help at home, I stop and breath. I realize that if I want I have life, because if I don't have time for myself this don't mean that I don't have life, only that I don't know what the life is and how live my life. Now I know that living is being in this moment and you can be in all the time, when you work or walk. I commit myself that I live my life each moment and not complain about things that I can't change



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that other people are guilty for my bad mood. When and as I see myself think that other people are guilty for my bad mood, I stop and breath. I realize that all what happen to me is because my decision. No one put "a pistol" on my head and say what I must to do, I decide what I do and for what I do that. I am old enough and responsible for what I done, good or bad. I commit myself to accept my decision and if I do something wrong I admit that myself and other people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accuse my ill/sick grandma and her busy daughter that I don't have time and life because them. When and as I see myself to accuse my ill/sick grandma and her busy daughter that I don't have time and life because them, I stop and breath. I realize that I decide that I took over my grandma because she can't walk and she have dementia, so I care for her. Yes, I don't go out because I took over, but this is only my decide. But this can't be my excuse. I commit myself to know/realize that only I can be guilty for that I do or not to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to/prefer be in reaction and don't realize that I breath and how I breath and don't be in this moment. When and as I see myself to want to/prefer be in reaction and don't realize that I breath and how I breath and don't be in this moment, I stop and breath. I realize that I live my life when I do what I want, but in the same time I don't damaging for other or myself. This is not so easy if I'm not stable, when I'm in reaction and in that moment I don't see what is going around me and don't see world only my imagination. In that moment I often go in bad mood in depression. I commit myself that I'm be stable and realize world around me, because in that moment I realize my breath and I don't became bad mood.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I can't be in this moment if I work or walk or doing something. When and as I see myself to thinking/believing/perceiving that I can't be in this moment if I work or walk or doing something, I stop and breath. I realize that I can be in moment every moment in my life and realize my breathing and my body and realize myself. If I'm in that moment each moment I can't thinking and I can't be in bad mood. I commit myself that I realize myself in each moment and when I don't be in moment I start breathing and count, because counting help me to stop my mind when I have busy mind.